Collecting

This past week has been a full one, full in every sense. People. Places. Thoughts. Emotions. After playing and painting and pondering for most of the summer, it is now time to pack and put away.

I've been dejunking and reducing. We have decided that we are going to somehow fit all of our possessions in an 8x5x5 foot trailer. If you are an artist or pack rat like I am, you would be laughing right along with me at the very thought of it. But we are doing it. Somehow. In less than two weeks. In so many ways this is a metaphor for my life right now. For the past year I have extended myself into family, friends, service, art-making, teaching, events and religion. I've been trying to be involved and extended in every way that I can into as many people's lives as possible. I've held onto feelings and emotions and possessions, not wanting them to disappear from my life.

Now I'm editing. I'm going to need the most efficient and effective parts of myself; the most dense parts of my strength and senses. Nothing extra. No time for self-pity, for time-wasting, for casual interactions and experiences. Only compressed and exquisite savoring of the people, views, things, possessions, books, paintings, emotions that I have left. Fullness, not thinness. Centeredness, not a spinning juggling act.

It has been interesting sorting through all of my art.  I am proud of where I have come in last few years. Truly. I have a confidence that I didn't have before. I know how to use a paintbrush. I know how to find colors. I know how to manipulate light and darkness to create depth. But now as I'm trying to figure out what to do with what I have, how to dispense or disperse it, I am trying not to be embarrassed.  I'll explain.

I make work that is at the same time traditional, yet uncomfortable.

Portraiture. The. oldest. subject. ever. portrayed. ever. In school my art was sometimes not considered as relevant because of this. On the other hand, so many people are uncomfortable with their own portrait. I made a lot of people uncomfortable with my final show project. I made some of the people closest to me look at themselves closely.  It was difficult for me because I've always tried to do the opposite in my interactions. I've wanted people to feel safe, calm, peaceful, and comfortable. But honestly with my project, I really was trying to do that very thing.  I wanted people to be able to become more comfortable with who they were (are), to see the raw beauty I see, and to accept themselves and the whole range of their emotions and souls. I was hoping to give them more confidence and strength in who they are. All of the conflicted emotions I had then have been coming back now as I've been deciding what to do with them.  What is the worth of my paintings? What do I do with detailed portraits? I've wanted to throw them all out and start fresh, but then hold on to them forever. I love these people. I love the growth that the paintings show. And even if I don't hold on to them physically, I'll hold on to them and the learning and message that they represent as I come to better understand my inventory. I'll take all of the experiences of the past few years and pack them into the corners of my soul and create a strength that will get me through the next few months of my life. With joy. With confidence. With enthusiasm and hardiness. With efficiency and wisdom.

I'm collecting me.