Now I know.

I'm not really sure what to say. I feel like it is time to write something, but I have had a hard time knowing what it is I need to share. I guess I just felt like it was time to write some sort of update, and to document a little bit about how we've been feeling for a record, seeing as neither of us are very regular journal keepers. I guess we want everyone who has been so kind to know that it made a difference.

I feel it very important to say thank you, gracias, merci, etc, for the incredible support and comfort and love...so very much love...that we have received. So many of you responded to our situation with words of encouragement, and things to make us and our home happy. You have helped us carry our burden in a very real, tangible way. Every morning I wake up to happy flowers that remind me of the beauties of this season. New growth. Rebirth. Resurrection. Beauty. Happiness. Dave and I have talked several times about how this physical reminder has made it impossible to forget about these things, and to forget the love that we have been given.  And every prayer that you have offered in our behalf was answered.

Because I was sufficiently far along in the pregnancy, we had to deliver the baby in a hospital.  Through all the bad news we received at the doctors appointment that day, for some reason this was the information that crumbled my strength. I was in no way ready for labor. I had not emotionally prepared for a positive, productive, happy labor, let alone one like this.  I did not think I would be able to bear the sorrow of seing such a very small, sick baby that I already loved so much that wasn't alive anymore.  But let me tell you, the peace that enveloped the room as Dave and I went through this sad procedure was tangible. It was real. It encircled us. It calmed our hearts and healed our souls for that time, so that we would be able to bear it.  It is something that I will never forget. Never. And thanks to all of you, we were able to have a positive experience as we held our precious little one for a few moments to say goodbye.

I think the biggest lesson that I learned from this whole experience is how loved I am.

As more of a mellow and white personality, I have tried very hard not to cause any kind of commotion. I loved living in the middle of a big family with lots of activity and things going on, but sometimes I would feel a little bit unnoticed. It wasn't out of lack of care or love or concern or anything, but being shy and quiet, I sometimes would blend into the background. I guess I just didn't always require or even want as much outward attention. I knew my friends and family cared about me, but they didn't get much opportunity to show it. With this experience, I have been able to see in a very real way that I am cared about. Who knew a husband could be so gentle and kind and loving to me? Who knew so many friends cared so much and felt so much in my behalf? Who knew my siblings ached so much for my pain? Who knew my mother would make the tedious, construction-filled drive to Provo so many times just to be with me so I wouldn't feel alone? Who knew so many neighbors and friends would make visits, dinners, and write love-filled cards? Well, as Bill Nye the Science guy would say,

"Did you know that _____?"

"Now you know!"

And now I have that truth, unveiled and beautiful before me, a precious gem that I will keep safely in my pocket.  It is still hard, and there are still days where I mourn for that role, for that little spirit that I was able to feel for a short season, but then I reach into my pocket to find that peace that I felt that day on the hospital bed, holding my little girl. My mother gave me a small white blanket a few months ago when we told her we were expecting, and now this has become a symbol of that peace for us. I'm grateful for the knowledge that I will one day be with her, and that I will get to be her mother, and nothing can take that away from me. What perfect timing, as Easter is upon us.